Another long day in the darkroom with not much to show for it - except less and less paper and more and more mediocre work. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it to my first paycheck, whenever that is. Holy crap am I grateful that I finally got a job, though. I just don't have anything else to sell for cash in the meantime. Well, I don't have anything I want to sell and I do NOT feel comfortable asking anyone for help besides my parents, and even then... I'll figure something out probably.

I've been feeling profoundly alone these last few months. I can't just sit and "be" somewhere because nothing satisfies and I'm not sure why. Even if I want to stop moving, I can't. I have the recurring thought that if I had a girlfriend I wouldn't feel like shit all the time, but is that even true? Maybe just the idea that someone could love me as much as I love them is comforting. Still, I can't shake this feeling and I don't know what to do...

February 29, 2008. A Friday. Evening. I hate Friday nights. It's like a mini-Valentine's Day - I feel as if I should be at some party, getting drunk, messing around with some girl whose name I can't recall, and be happy with that. That sounds horrible to me, though. So I do... nothing. And nothing changes. I'll probably still end up going to some party and being unhappy and feeling sorry for myself (like... now?).

I can't quite say exactly what I mean. This is all an approximation, and it doesn't really come close at all. It's like my mouth is filled with sand and won't close - stuff keeps coming out, but none of it means anything. It would just be nice to feel okay for a while.